


got the rest of my life to fuck around

by swallowedthesun



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Lucius Malfoy, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Background Relationships, Bad Parenting, Ballroom Dancing, Bandages, Bisexual Harry Potter, Blaise Zabini is a Good Friend, Body Dysphoria, Coming Out, Confessions, Dancing, Developing Relationship, Draco Malfoy & Pansy Parkinson Friendship, Draco Malfoy is a Good Boyfriend, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Disaster Draco Malfoy, Gay Draco Malfoy, Gender Dysphoria, Good Blaise Zabini, Haircuts, Hogwarts, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Character of Color, Love, Love Confessions, Lucius Malfoy Being an Asshole, M/M, Magic, Minor Hermione Granger/Pansy Parkinson, Minor Violence, Multi, Near Death, Near Death Experiences, Non-Graphic Smut, Non-Graphic Violence, Pansy Parkinson is a Good Friend, Polyamorous Character, Pre-Relationship, Relationship(s), Sassy Pansy Parkinson, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Dancing, Slow Romance, Trans Character, Trans Draco Malfoy, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Draco Malfoy, Unrequited Love, ace bandages, unsafe binding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29766066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swallowedthesun/pseuds/swallowedthesun
Summary: "it was like that for much of first year, he would finish his lessons and stumble into his room, shutting the door and dancing to classical music that he drummed in his head and sometimes hummed to himself but even with the knowledge of silencing charms he would never use one. he couldn’t bring himself to take the easy way out again - his father told him he did that too much already - but instead he would wait for someone to finally manage to catch him but the latch never shook and no voices would shout at him through it."---slowburn drarry with trans!draco malfoytitle from sugar crash by elyotto
Relationships: Draco Malfoy & Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy & Pansy Parkinson, Draco Malfoy/Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Pansy Parkinson, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley/Pansy Parkinson
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	1. slow dancing in the dark

it was late. the moon was full and was shining through the window to draco malfoy’s room. he danced to an imaginary track with an imaginary partner, hands wrapped around their shoulders as they swayed to the beat that he thought to himself in the comfort of his cramped space. boxes were pressed into the corners as the lingering thought that he would not stay for another few weeks nipped at his mind although he knew it was absurd. everyone seemed to like him. everyone was okay with being friends with draco malfoy. even with his constant smirk and almost threatening attitude there were still some who considered him to be a friend. he was happy when he was at hogwarts but the idea that at any moment a red letter could fly through his window and fall into his hands still tormented him. he had no way to escape it if that happened. not like at the manor where he could hide in his room and ball his eyes out with no one but the houselves checking if he was okay, he would feign a laugh and tell them that he bumped into something. the same house elf never came past twice. 

it was like that for much of first year, he would finish his lessons and stumble into his room, shutting the door and dancing to classical music that he drummed in his head and sometimes hummed to himself but even with the knowledge of silencing charms he would never use one. he couldn’t bring himself to take the easy way out again - his father told him he did that too much already - but instead he would wait for someone to finally manage to catch him but the latch never shook and no voices would shout at him through it. draco liked it. he liked not being disturbed when he wanted time alone. he liked not being checked in on whenever a single noise squeaked from his room. popular belief dictated that he was just spoilt but the truth of the matter was that he liked having to do things for himself. sometimes, in the middle of the night, he would sneak down his stairs to the kitchen and usher the house elves away, telling them to get to their sleeping quarters, and then make himself something to eat. he wasn’t very good but at least what he made was edible and he would often share it with the workers who ate it happily knowing that the gift was from a place of true appreciation.

as he spun around his makeshift dance floor, imagining no one in particular in his arms, he couldn’t help but smile at the memories even if they were often interrupted with the unpleasant ones from time to time. his feet twisting and dragging along the floor without a care for the blurred images of the corners of his fathers snarl turning upward as he prepared to swipe his hand on his cheek, each image faded away as the music became louder and louder until he could drown everything out and dance with the air once again without even a hint of his fears sketched on the back of his eyelids. the way that the music that he strummed in his mind affected his movements was a sight to see and would have infatuated anyone who would see it - but, of course, no one would. his robes almost grazed the floor as he spun and snickered to himself, he felt complete when he whirled along the melody without a care in the world. it felt right. it felt good.

sometimes draco would find himself humming one of his songs to himself during a lesson or when he found himself drifting into a brighter headspace but as soon as a shrill cry of a name that would never be his entered his ears he would immediately cease the activity and shy away, hands slipping from the desk and fidgeting in his lap. the cry of the name always brought him back to reality where he was not draco malfoy and there was nothing he could do about it. he kept up the barrier even when his rival and his friends shouted the name from the other end of the corridor halting him in his tracks and forcing him to take a deep breath before spinning round to meet their eyes with a smirk on his face that is enough to rival his own father’s.

“potter,” he snarled, making sure to respond with his surname to urge harry to do the same.

ron beat harry to respond: “malfoy.”

draco sighed, relieved that he responded with his surname even with the ideas of what his family name weighed on him. he pressed those thoughts to the back of his mind before glaring into hermione’s eyes, the frown on her lips like stone upon her features and the glare of light casting a cool breeze over draco although he wouldn’t let himself shiver in front of them. he stood his ground and spat an insult at her, one to remind her of the buck teeth that made her eyes widen and face soften as she brought a hand up to cover her mouth, turning away and wiping her eyes before running off without a care for how it must have looked to ordinary passersby. ron and harry turned for a second before harry pushed draco to the wall by the scrunch of his shirt, a fist lifted into the air and his jaw locked into place as he threatened to attack the boy in front of him. ron soon intervened, pushing harry’s fist away and pulling him off of draco’s robes to say the one sentence that pained him the most, burning scars into his heart and making tears prick in his eyes before he bats them away and continues to listen to their short back and forth.

“mate, as much as she deserves it, you can’t hit a girl.”

“come on, ro-”

draco cut him off by pulling his hand back onto his chest and staring him directly into the eyes, a flame bursting in them as he growled at him, “do it. hit me.”

“kaylin-” harry started but was soon cut off again.

“no. hit me. go on then or did your father not teach you how to fight? oh wait.” the smirk on draco’s face filled harry with an unfiltered rage that harry returned with equal vigor as his knuckle collided with draco’s cheek, letting go of his shirt at the same time to send him to the floor with a red mark on his cheek and a yellow circle starting to form around his eye. he forced himself up, wiping away his cheek and smiling to himself, pushing past the boys in front of him, pushing his hands into the pockets of his robes and trudging away back to his common room.

he strutted through the main living space, some other students in the year above looked up from their textbooks to meet draco’s eyes. some gasped while others continued on, stuffing their noses back into the books and scribbling down their notes. draco dragged his feet to his room, latching the door shut once again and loosening his tie from around his neck, placing his arms in the correct position to be dancing with a partner shorter than himself and with a much smaller frame. he liked to feel in control when everyone told him he could never be. he needed this more, as he swayed more to the imaginary tune, he could feel each prick of tension relieve from his shoulders and his movements became smoother, feet barely making a sound on the wooden flooring. the latch rattled and he broke himself from his own fantasy and stumbled toward it, only now realising how much of a sting was burning through his face after the intense aggression that harry fired through him.

he unlatched his door and pulled it open to meet his godfather’s eyes, mcgonagall stood with lips tightly pursed like they usually are but her squinted eyes almost burned holes into his skull and he almost wanted to slam the door in their faces and hide from them. they invited themselves into his room but each time they reached for his drawers he ensured that he would shut it before they could see the contents and rush to tell his father. mcgonagall took a seat on his bed and snape sat beside her, their poses were opposing each other - mcgonagall sat upright, her posture impeccable, with her hands resting on the front of her knees while snape was slumped over with his arms crossed and laying on his lap. draco leant back on his chest of drawers and his hands were stuffed into the pockets of his robes as he awaited for them to talk.

“miss. malfoy, some other students said they saw mr. potter punch you earlier, is that correct?” her accent made draco shiver, each word enunciated by the soft scottish accent, and he refused to look at them, turning his head and staring out the window, a strand of his hair falling from his high ponytail and hiding the tears that were already pricking at the corners of his eyes. “by the look on your face and that mark upon your cheek i think we know the answer.” draco rolled his eyes and shrugged but his thoughts were interrupted as mcgonagall continued her train of thought, “see, i only ask because the same students said you were asking for him to punch you.”

draco swallowed down the lump in his throat and spoke without turning to face them although he could feel them both forcing their prying eyes to the strands of platinum blond hair that fell in front of his face, concealing each emotion that flickered through his eyes - the panic that burned in them was obvious to anyone who had two brain cells to rub together. he tried to respond multiple times, mouth opening and closing with no noise like a fish until he finally formed the words and responded with an almost angry tone - it was, at the best, mildly annoyed although he knew they were probably surprised that he managed to say anything through the phlegm that was caught in his throat.

“was that all? can you leave now?”

the professors shared a look between each other before rising, snape walked toward draco as mcgonagall waited in the doorway. he placed a hand on his shoulder and went to say something before his godson shrugged his shoulder, knocking him off and turning around. his hands gripped the edge of the chest and he could feel the tears about to pour from his eyes as he, once again, shouted at them to leave, tears getting clogged in his throat as he attempted to hold them in so he wouldn’t have to deal with the pitying looks from the other slytherin’s or the murmurs that would ask if he was okay. snape sighed and turned from him, shaking his head at his superior and exiting the room with her, shutting the door behind them.

draco fell to his knees, forehead pressed against the smooth wood and his sobs echoing around his room and definitely concerning those outside but he could no longer care - even though the lingering thought that he should have a constant silencing charm surrounding his room still haunted him - he had no reason to care anymore. everyone looked at him and saw ‘miss’, ‘kaylin’, ‘girl’, ‘she’ and he hated it. he wanted them to feel like him but they would never feel the torment that he felt daily, all the hours staring at the scissors he kept in his drawer, just wanting to pick them up and hack through his hair until it got to a short enough length that he could finally be happy with at least one part of himself. he considered it again but soon decided against it. if anyone told his father then he would be ruined and as much as he despised his family name he couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. he hated to admit it but he needed his family. he needed his father.

the melody slowly drifted in again and draco brought himself up from his knees and, with a quivering breath, started to dance. he was still crying but there were no ugly noises or sobs that could scare the paintings into running to the far side of the castle. he felt eased after it.

___

it was getting late and draco was still dancing. his feet were sore but he couldn’t care anymore as the whirring in his mind just got louder and louder and his movements got sharper and sharper until he could no longer contain the pain and let out a small whimper as he fell forward, barely managing to catch himself on the bedpost. he looked to the clock on his mantle. it was almost time for dinner. he slipped his robes back over his shoulders and tightened the tie around his neck but left the top button of his shirt undone - although it was barely noticeable unless someone focused on the messy attire - before making his way through the common room, passing everyone still studying, and made his way up the stairs to the corridor, walking through without speaking to anyone until he forced the doors to the great hall open and sat at the slytherin table, messing with the corner of his skirt, awaiting the start of dinner.

not too long after, the golden trio walked in, taking notice of draco’s shoddy appearance but they all turned up their noses and began walking to the other side of the hall before hearing a chortle from draco and turning round to see him smirking at them. hermione’s usually calm and collected facade slipped and she marched to the slytherin table, lifted her hands and slamming them down in front of the table. she was almost surprised by the lack of response however refused to show the surprise as she fired insults at the boy before he rose from his seat, staring her in the eyes and mirroring her pose as he snarled at her in a much lower voice, shocking her again at the shear amount of spite and venom that was dripping from his tongue.

“i wouldn’t expect a filthy mudblood like you to understand magic let alone be able to speak a full sentence through those teeth of yours.” she wasn’t shocked by this as it was nothing unusual but as she spun to leave he continued, “run rabbit run! back to your burrow!”

crabbe came up behind the smaller and pat him on the back, draco met his eyes and was greeted with compliments and an introduction from the two people that were in front of him. crabbe and goyle. he smiled at them and shook each of their hands individually before realising that they had been in each of his lessons since the beginning of the year and, although not being the brightest, he decided that they would make worthy companions. they took their seats back at the table, talking back and forth about how their different classes - draco made a few snide remarks about their grades but they took no notice, assuming that they were compliments and thanking him instead - and draco soon realised that they would be perfect as companions. tall, large, dumb - draco also had _real men_ run across in his mind but pushed it away with another thought; _you are a real man. you are a real man_. they were the perfect recipe for a pair of henchmen who would answer to each word he said even if it was meant to be insulting.

“i think this is the making of a great friendship,” draco muttered to them as dumbledore finally pushed open the door and clicked the heels of his shoes as he walked toward the long table where other teachers had already found their places. draco shared his opinions on the old man and made the two beside him, and the girl across from them with her nose in a book who draco believed wasn’t paying attention, chuckle: “surprised he isn’t dead yet, the old fart.”

___

it was even later, draco should’ve been fast asleep but his eyes were focused on the swirling patterns on the canopy over him the same thoughts repeating in his mind over and over again until it became almost an order from an outside force. he tried combatting the thoughts but they kept coming back in different forms; sometimes they would be the voice he wished he had while other times they would be his godfather. on occasion it would be pansy - he had gotten to know her at dinner and they had sat together in the common rooms and discussed the new work in potions - but she didn’t have much of an impact on his decisions. the final straw was when it morphed from goyle’s bumbling voice into his father’s.

_do it, draco. cut your hair. just take the scissors and cut away. do it, draco. do it. do it._

the phrase continued repeating in his mind until it was chorused by all those he held dear: his father’s voice was the loudest but his mother, crabbe, goyle and even pansy harmonised with him. even as he was lifting the pair of blunt scissors, they were echoing. his hands were still shaking and he almost knocked over a lamp but he kept his composure and brought his other hand to the ponytail, pulling it out so that his hair rest near the base of his spine. he pulled it to the front of his shoulder and started hacking away at the clump of hair, his fingers wrapped around it near to his ear but he made sure to cut away from himself. the blond strands crashed to the floor with each small snip that draco managed to make, he kept telling himself that this was right and that afterward he would feel better. he would feel free.

he was right.

he had moved to the en suite that he assumed each room had and was staring in the mirror at himself. even with jagged ends, the bob cut felt better on him but it wasn’t enough. he needed to cut more. he needed to. he lifted the scissors again and started frantically cutting around his head, a whirlwind surrounding him as the thoughts that he doesn’t look like a boy kept fluttering around him with greater and greater intensity, until he reached much shorter hair than he had before and he loved it. there were layers throughout and he thought, without ever admitting it out loud, that he looked like a blond version of harry potter. he caught himself asking whether he should cut it shorter but stopped himself from grabbing the scissors before he managed to ruin it. the next step was to gather all the strands of hair from his spruce wood flooring, it was a tedious job but he couldn’t risk using a charm and having a teacher walk in and rush to send a letter to his parents so he picked them all up by hand before dumping in his bathroom bin - he wondered if the male dorms has bins but dismissed the idea that they wouldn’t. after all, they may need it for other reasons that draco was unaware of.

“finally,” he murmured, curling up in his bed and, for the first time since he arrived at hogwarts, fell into a comfortable sleep.

___

the next morning as draco was heading to the great hall with no one taking any notice of him as they believed anything they saw that would be out of the ordinary would be considered just their morning delusions so as draco passed them by, they said nothing. he entered the great hall and took the same seat as they day before, running his fingers on the rim of the table and waiting for his friends to arrive. when people began filing in, he looked up to the entrance and saw everyone murmuring between themselves as soon as they saw him but as more came through, the more he was covered by everyone until no one could see him.

draco’s friends walked in later than everyone else, pansy practically beating them with her book as she had been trying to teach them charms throughout the entirety of the night before all through to when the library shut and then again that morning from the moment the library opened. they seated themselves across from draco glancing up and greeting him before realising and looking back up. pansy began gushing over it and leant over the table to stroke his hair, making sure there were no tricks to be played, while crabbe and goyle sat in stunned silence, just staring at the white hair that sat upon his head. draco and pansy chatted about it, pansy slipping under the table at one point to continue whispering as dumbledore spoke before the start of the feast - draco made a few comments about the teachers and how some of them should be fossilised by now and pansy chortled each time - which arrived a small while later than it should have due to pansy and draco’s giggling (the phrase “miss malfoy and miss parkinson, what is so funny?” was heard numerous times during their headteacher’s short speech).

soon enough, the tables were plentiful with rich foods. mountains of meat and bread were stacked in front of them and draco made sure to grab all that he would never find at his own home; he pawed at the plate of sausages and placed an egg beside them on his plate before gorging himself on them. everyone did the same and the food was almost gone by the time draco managed to grab his second piece of french toast and stuff it into his mouth, crunching on it but stopping when he heard pansy snicker beside him, he turned to her and asked her what she was laughing about, albeit he spoke through a full mouth but his best friend understood what he was saying.

“you’re eating like a pig. you’d fit right in if you were in a room filled with boys. especially with the new hair. why’d you cut it anyway?”

draco shrugged and replied to her, “just thought i needed a change and what else are you meant to do at two in the morning?”

she nodded in agreement and they both took sips of their juice, laughing at each other as they caught sight of their dumb looks. everyone began rising from their seats to go to their first periods and so draco and pansy linked arms to stumble down the hall to potions. draco thought that today was going to be a very good day.

_thought_ truly was the operative word.


	2. in case you don't live forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "he could see in her eyes that this was no moment of affection but more a moment of concern; there were tears and panic in his eyes and his breathing was heavy as he tried to calm himself down but failed when bursts of sobs erupted from him. he pushed pansy off of him and threw himself down the corridor, sprinting toward the door and rushing toward the forbidden forest, no matter how far away pansy got and how blurry everyone’s voices became, he continued on. he couldn’t bear this school anymore. he wanted people to take notice of all the hints he tried sending toward them but he also hated the idea of anyone outside of hogwarts knowing. within his school, he could be himself: short hair, trousers that he was meant to be wearing only during flying lessons, and the boxers that he hid away in his drawers and hoped that no one would ever discover."
> 
> ___
> 
> draco faces a fear he never knew he had

the golden trio were in the library, huddled together as hermione tried to explain details about the intricacies of charms and how each movement needs to be perfect or else the entire spell will fail. they broke from their quiet conversation as draco and pansy invited themselves to sit across from them, draco climbing feet first into the chair before bending into a crouching position to look at the three gryffindors without saying a word. pansy seats herself beside him, sitting normally but making sure to cross her ankles beneath the table before leaning her elbows on the table and pushing herself forward, wordlessly asking the golden trio to speak first so that she could combat them with a snarky remark. draco was glad to have a best friend who was similar enough to understand what he was communicating even without saying the actual words - although she was yet to figure out that he was not a girl like she had kept calling him.

“malfoy. parkinson,” ron sneered, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms as he shot daggers into the souls of the two slytherins. he shared a look with both harry and hermione but they both gave wary looks, also annoyed by the antics of the two in front of them but not wanting to risk getting kicked out of the library - hermione would rip them to pieces if they got thrown out from the one place that brought her the most joy.

“fancy catching you three here. what are you reading anyway?” draco murmured, pulling the book from hermione’s hands and turning it to drag his eyes over the page, nodding along to the words before shutting the book and handing it back to her, “page 273. good book but you should probably use the ones that flitwick actually wants us to.”

“i didn’t think they taught pureblood girls how to read. shouldn’t you be at home taking care of the kids?” ron attacked, smirking and standing to stare directly at draco, not noticing how much of an impact he had on the shorter. draco rose and matched ron’s position, leaning forward and, with just as much malice, responded.

“i thought that ragtag blood traitors like you should stay at home and help your poor mother’s in the house or can you do no more than pick up a pen?” draco didn’t wait for an answer and pushed the table into ron’s abdomen, watching him curl up on the bench in slight pain as his friends glared at him for a moment before immediately checking in on the redhead. draco grabbed pansy by the arm and pulled her to the corridor, leaning against the wall and scratching at his hand until pansy grabbed it, holding it and placing her other hand on draco’s cheek.

he could see in her eyes that this was no moment of affection but more a moment of concern; there were tears and panic in his eyes and his breathing was heavy as he tried to calm himself down but failed when bursts of sobs erupted from him. he pushed pansy off of him and threw himself down the corridor, sprinting toward the door and rushing toward the forbidden forest, no matter how far away pansy got and how blurry everyone’s voices became, he continued on. he couldn’t bear this school anymore. he wanted people to take notice of all the hints he tried sending toward them but he also hated the idea of anyone outside of hogwarts knowing. within his school, he could be himself: short hair, trousers that he was meant to be wearing only during flying lessons, and the boxers that he hid away in his drawers and hoped that no one would ever discover.

the aching in his feet wasn’t enough to stop him even as he heard cries from multiple teachers as they ran after him, he was trying to listen to them and he wanted to turn back and run into snape’s arms, have him tell him that everything was going to be okay even if it involved him having to give up his secrets. draco saw the path disappear beneath him and soon he was at the edge of an icy lake, spring wasn’t catching up to the pool anytime soon and he liked not knowing if it would crumble beneath him as soon as he pressed any pressure onto it. he tried to anyway, immediately realising that spring was catching up faster than he thought, and the ice shattered. his eyes widened and a short, sharp, gasp escaped him as he lost his footing and was submerged into the water, it bit at his ankles and arms as the robe flew upwards to show off more than he would ever want to under other circumstances.

he was completely under the water with his eyes squeezed shut as he held his breath but he knew that it wasn’t enough. he was drowning and he was too far under for anyone to notice. he let out the breath he managed to hold, allowing water to filter in through his mouth as he rose to the surface, back lightly colliding with a layer of ice but not managing to break through as he kept flowing through it. it was dark and late and draco was sure that no one would find him until he was already dead or dying at the bottom of the lake. at least he would be under the light of the moon as he took his last breath. as he faded in and out of consciousness he could see his mother’s hands reaching for him and pulling him into her arms as she praised him for being the picture perfect son. he thought it was rather poetic how he would pass and then find a reality where he could be appreciated.

draco had always loved his mother; she was always there for him, making sure he was okay after he fell from his broomstick, giving him a hug when he vented some of his cruder thoughts to him, teaching him - this should have been her proudest accomplishment, draco was a difficult child so teaching him to sit still and silence his curiosity as she read to him was always going to be a challenge but she muddled through and draco was happy how with how he turned out - and even protecting him from his father every now and then. he had always and would always love her even if the feelings would one day not be reciprocated. draco’s mind fluttered into a dark black screen and he was unconscious. there was a forever nothingness. he was floating along the top of an iced over lake with a soaked set of robes.

___

it was the middle of the night when draco finally awoke, eyes blinking slowly to see the ceiling of the hospital wing above him, eyes moving around before he shot up and looked around at the mostly empty room. he looked around for any source of life and jumped when he saw his headmaster fast asleep on the chair beside him, a purple and gold robe lay over him as he lightly snored, the hair that had slipped in front of his mouth flipped upward each breath that burst from his lips. draco rolled his eyes and continued looking around the room, analysing the muddied fabrics of some of the sheets and curtains before turning his head again when madame pomfrey stumbled in. she took no notice of the boy and continued laying out numerous medicines on a tray table that was just at the entrance.

draco’s eyes lingered on her shaky movements for a moment; he had never noticed how her hands shook whenever she held the equipment which he would, ordinarily, believe to be a bad sign from a professional but as soon as he saw her wielding a syringe with ease it calmed his nerves. he looked to his left to find his robes and tie on another chair beside his bedside, matching the one that dumbledore sat in, it was a fine oak wood, unnatural carvings in the ridges of it that gave it an antique look but still had a modern flair that draco admired until he looked down and found that many of his buttons were undone. his breath shook and eyes widened and he quickly did them up before bringing his, luckily, still covered legs to his chest and pushing his face into his knees as his mind whirred about what may have happened if he had chosen to wear a skirt that day. he didn’t want to think about it.

“ah, kaylin, you’re awake,” a familiar, nasally, voice cooed and made draco lift his head up to meet the eyes of professor snape. he snapped his head away after staring with an open mouth for a few seconds and resorted to shrugging in response. “i convinced both dumbledore and mcgonagall to refrain from telling your father about this.”

he silently thanked the man with a curt nod but, just as he thought the conversation was over, was met with a pat on the shoulder and when he looked up he was pulled into a hug from the tall man. he tentatively wrapped his arms around his thin frame in return, confused before his head was pulled closer to snape’s chest and soft whispers were blown out to comfort him as he shook - neither of them knew if it was from nerves or if he was still affected by the ice cold water that he’d found himself in mere hours earlier but they didn’t care as the tender moment was held between them. draco leant back and they disconnected. snape swept his robes from under him and sat on the chair that had draco’s own robes and tie on it, placing one hand on the hospital bed and hesitantly grabbing onto draco’s - they tried not to show the tears in their eyes but also secretly noticing each others and refusing to say a word in case both of their dams broken and they bawl beside each other without a care for anyone else nearby.

“i thought i was going to lose you for good...” severus admitted quietly, pulling his eyes away from draco’s so that the young boy didn’t have to see the fear that passed in his glassy eyes as he imagined what would have happened if he didn’t chase him into the forest after finding out what happened. “why’d you go out there? not even pansy could tell us why you thought that you should recklessly run off into the forbidden forest. the water is easier to get you from than the stomach of a centaur.”

draco chuckled and turned to look him straight in the eyes, “you make jokes now?” snape gave him a cold stare and urged him to answer the question, immediately making draco frown and fidget with his godfather’s fingers and the sleeve of his robes, “i just… couldn’t take it anymore. everyone saying things… i hate it.” he looked up, afraid that he made himself sound crazy but he found that snape’s eyes were understanding but still curious. he had never seen that look before. from anyone. he burst into tears, letting go of snape’s hand to cover his reddening face with his elbow until he was pulled into another hug. he had taken notice of the way his icy hands felt on his skin, like a burning fire that almost pained him, but he didn’t care as the warmth that seeped from their hearts into each others was enough to make draco feel a lot better.

“what did people say, kaylin? i know that mr. potter gave you this scrape but was that all?” snape’s voice was firm but draco could always tell that it wasn’t aimed at him.

draco shook his head, trying to escape the hold that snape had on his arms but he wouldn’t release him until he answered what happened to bring him to a near death. his sobs and wild frenzy finally burst through his fear of his father finding out all, “don’t call me that!”

“kaylin, what do you me-” he was quickly cut off.

“that! stop it! stop it! stop it! that’s not my name!” he was still in tears and was soaking the potion’s master’s dark robes until he was pulled off and the man bent down to be met with soft, doe-like, eyes that comforted draco as he tried to sniff away the tears that were still trailing down his cheek but his throat was no longer clogged and he could manage pained, breathy, whimpers, “please… call me draco. please!”

snape was confused but he didn’t let go of his godson, dragging his hand up his arm to cup his cheek and murmur to him, “is that all?” it wasn’t accusatory or belittling, it was honest. draco slowly nodded, still wary about what he would say next but he had barely any time to think as severus continued his train of thought, “is there anything else you’d like me to do for you, draco?”

his eyes welled with tears and his fears slipped out with them but the sentimentality was interrupted as dumbledore’s snore ripped through the warmth that they held between them. they chuckled for a moment before draco kicked his feet off of the side of the bed and held onto the older man’s shoulders, staring into his eyes with a glimmer of hope for the future fleeting in them, “could you not tell anyone else yet? especially not mother or father...”

“of course. anything for my favourite godson.”

draco rolled his eyes, “i’m your only godson.”

“the point still stands. shall i ask madame pomfrey if you can be discharged yet as you seem to be of suitable health?” he asked, smiling slightly and the corners of his eyes creasing. draco nodded which sent snape almost gliding across the floor to the nurse who glanced up at draco as their conversation started and although draco could see the man using the wrong pronouns he was still aware that it was what he had to do to conceal draco’s secret. he would thank him later, he’d make sure of it. soon enough, draco watched madame pomfrey nod her head at him and then snape was stumbling back over to him, helping him off of the bed and tying his tie around his neck.

“i can tie my own tie,” draco teased, lightly slapping his hand away and tying the rest himself. he hesitated when he saw his still soaked robe but severus reassured him that he could leave it as long as he allowed the elder to lead him back to the slytherin common room. draco nodded along to his explanation as he slipped on his shoes - they were still slightly soaked on the underside but he didn’t mind as he couldn’t feel it.

___

they were almost back at the dungeon and were talking about school topics until the lake came up again and made draco freeze in his tracks before rushing to carry on walking. severus squinted and asked whether he was planning on diving into the lake even if nothing had spurred him to do so in the first place to which draco had pondered the answer. he hadn’t thought why he was compelled to run to the forbidden forest in the first place, his dormitory or the library would’ve been enough but for some reason each inch of his body sent him to the forest but he doubted that he would have wanted any harm to come to himself even after all that had happened. he shrugged and thought for a second more before responding.

“i don’t know. it was an accident, you know, the ice was too thin to hold my weight. i don’t know why i thought it was a good idea to check in the first place but i didn’t want to jump in. however, once i was under, i didn’t do much to help myself but even if i had i was already floating too far from where the ice had cracked and it was far too cold to swim properly anyway so i guess it was all an accident in a way…” he chattered, thinking out loud to his godfather.

snape hummed but didn’t pry further, changing the subject as soon as they began shuffling down the steps to the dungeon, “pansy has been worried sick. i doubt she’s asleep-” he looked down at draco from the corner of his eye- “maybe this is the perfect time to tell her also.”

draco shook his head, clutching at his chest but severus placed his hands on his shoulders and assured him that it was a mere suggestion but that as soon as the time feels right he should spill his heart. he agreed, subconsciously dragging a hand through his hair, accidentally dragging out some of his platinum blond hair and shaking it onto the ground. he murmured the password - some 7th years had once managed to change it to ‘merlin’s bloody balls’ but mcgonagall was quick to storm downstairs after hearing about the incident and demanded they change it to ‘honeysuckle’ - and watched the wall split apart to open to the hallway, snape followed closely behind and they entered the main living area.

pansy’s head snapped around. her eyes widened and she jumped over the back of the sofa to sprint toward her best friend, pulling him into a hug and lifting him off of the floor, she scolded him for doing something so stupid but began to spill that the news had already travelled across half the school by the time they’d found him sinking to the bottom of the lake. silently, snape slipped out of their common room and left the two to their conversation, not minding them staying up after curfew after all that had happened that day. they talked for hours, mostly about miscellaneous topics rather than the events that had happened prior, until they fell asleep, intertwined, on the sofa, lightly snoring as they tickled each other with their hair.

___

the morning came sooner than they would have liked and they were awoken by mountains of questions from many different students from many different years. draco disregarded them all and made his way to his room, wanting to rid of his clothes as soon as possible. he shut himself in and caught sight of something out of his window when he glanced toward it but disregarded it when he looked closer and saw nothing of the sort. his fingers wrapped around the soft curtains and pulled them closed, still uneasy about the idea that he may have seen something but he kept rationalising it as he threw a new set of clothes onto himself. he opted for one of his normal white shirts under a slightly too large dark green jumper and he paired it with a pair of black mens trousers that he had managed to steal from a suitcase on the hogwarts express all those months ago.

a knock sounded at his door as he finished changing and he opened it to find pansy with a small smile on her face. she invited herself in and lay on his bed, finding the blunt pair of scissors on the bedside table and starting to fiddle with them. draco shut the door carefully, not wanting to disturb anyone who was sleeping in before the beginning of breakfast, and made his way over to pansy, matching her position on the bed. they both lay with one knee bent up and the other leaning on it. pansy ranted about her feelings until she could feel draco curl into her side and nuzzle into it, mumbling something about breakfast before dozing off into a very light sleep. she rolled her eyes and ran a hand through his hair, gasping as she realised how soft it was and played with it until the neutral face that draco wore slipped and he smiled up at her with glistening eyes. 

she hit him once, letting him hit her back. they continued their back and forth until draco spotted the clock on the mantle and urged pansy to stand so that they could go have something to eat but pansy pulled him back down so they could stare at each other, giggling to themselves. they stopped after a moment, still staring into each others eyes as the comfortable silence warped around them, blanketing them until draco said that they must get going or they’d be late. pansy rolled her eyes and turned onto her back, hands on her stomach before she groaned and slid them down her face, talking with her hands as she ranted to her best friend.

“what is your obsession with being on time? live a little! it’s not the end of the world if you’re a few minutes behind on getting to somewhere.”

“don’t want to get called miss malfoy,” he murmured but knew that she must have heard at least some of it as she responded, after sitting up.

“what?” 

he sat up beside her but quickly threw his legs over the edge of the bed and walked round to pick her up, “nothing… let’s go.”

they walked into the great hall as people were still entering. they weren’t late. draco was relieved. he took pansy’s hand and dragged her to the slytherin table, sitting across from crabbe and goyle. he was relieved when they asked no questions about the day prior although he couldn’t figure out if they had even heard - or understood - what had happened but he couldn’t care as long as they could have a normal breakfast. draco had accidentally skipped dinner after all - though he couldn’t say that this was a new experience as this was the lesser evil of many of the punishments he earned at home - so this was his time to gorge on a mass amount of food that he was certain to love. he dragged the same things as usual onto his plate and realised that pansy may have had a point about his obsession with routine but he wasn’t going to stop after all that he had been taught to follow throughout his childhood. he stopped for a moment, remembering some fragments of his fathers words, but shook his head soon enough and began feasting on the plate he’d filled in front of him.

he was happy to be surrounded by his friends again. he didn’t know what he would be without them. the reality struck him that he was almost stolen away from them but then the thought that they wouldn’t mind if he had disappeared that day lingered but he forced it away when he remembered the grin pansy harboured when she saw that he was safe and well. he would never forget that look. he wished he could have told her then and there but everything was weighing too heavy on him. it wasn’t the right time even if all he wanted to do was scream to the rooftops and tell everyone the real reason he cut his hair, the real reason he ran away that day and why he hated being late. he wanted to scream but he couldn’t.

that was when he decided. he was either telling everyone at the same time or no one at all. it was how he was going to do it for fear of the wrong person finding out and holding it above him, dangling happiness for a second and then ripping it just out of his reach.

it was going to be his coming out, his story, his life and he wanted to do it just right. it had to be just right or it wouldn’t be his. it wouldn’t be  _ draco malfoy’s  _ coming out if there wasn’t something quite extraordinary about it - especially if no one could belittle him any longer for doing his large displays of extravagance (like when he accidentally brewed a potion a level above his skill set but feigned the fact that he had done it on purpose).

the day after his near death experience was the day that draco decided. he decided a lot about this coming out already; it had to be in front of everyone, somewhere that no one could miss it, and it had to have his own flair, something that he would enjoy doing it. he thought for a second, drowning out the many conversations happening around him.

_ a dance _ .

he would do that, he decided, come out at the next possible dance where he would feel comfortable enough to not only show off his talents but to speak his truth to all those he knew and even those he didn’t.

_ a dance _ .

he was giddy at the idea. he couldn’t wait.


	3. arcade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "his father’s hand trailed onto his shoulder and pulled him from where he has been staring out the window, dreaming about what could be - what would be, he told himself, once everyone knows. they looked at each other for a few moments until draco shrugged his father off and made his way to his room again, shutting the door behind him and locking it before starting to remove the tattered dress he’d been forced into."
> 
> ___
> 
> skip to fourth year. the yule ball. and a little bit of love + a lotta bit of internalised homophobia

fourth year inched nearer as summer started coming to an end with no word from draco to anyone other than snape about his dreams. there would be times that he thought he would tell his close friends but then one of them would turn to him and ask him about his hair even after so long or how he no longer wears a skirt and he’d shut down, telling them that he felt more comfortable - never using the word free - when wearing his hair the way he does and how he felt that wearing trousers was a lot more suitable for running through the castle grounds. they took these answers as enough but sometimes they would catch the way draco would nervously swallow when someone brought it up. 

his father’s hand trailed onto his shoulder and pulled him from where he has been staring out the window, dreaming about what could be -  _ what would be,  _ he told himself,  _ once everyone knows _ . they looked at each other for a few moments until draco shrugged his father off and made his way to his room again, shutting the door behind him and locking it before starting to remove the tattered dress he’d been forced into. he feared what would happen if he even mentioned the idea of wearing a suit to a formal event. he shuddered at the thought and simply changed into a set of pyjamas with black embroidery on the front marking the initials k. m. - his father was the one to find the tailor but draco was glad that the set hid each part of him he despised. he ran a hand through his hair, he managed to convince his father that the long hair restricted his view when flying which calmed down the man when draco came home after no word from his son about any events that had happened his first year.

although the cotton nightwear did nothing to assist the way he wished to flow around the room but he still put his hands up around his imaginary partner and danced to the tune of the house elves preparing food beneath him and the tapping of tree branches on his tightly shut window. he glided around his floor, the carpet obstructed him partly but he worked around it, not wanting to disturb the way that the housekeeper had laid out each room, and continued dancing with a tune in his head to match the beat of all he could hear around him before speeding up as his parents shouting interrupted all else he could hear. he couldn’t stop now, not when his heart was pounding in his chest and forcing him to turn his feet faster and faster until he was getting dizzy but even then his figure didn’t waver. he had to finish. he had to. the movement didn’t cease but he didn’t feel anything beneath him anymore as he drowned out everything around him apart from the match that his parents fought too near to his bedroom door.

then he was on the floor. he didn’t know how he had fallen and he may not have realised he had fallen at all if it weren’t for the painful spark that bore into the side of his head as he tried to stand. he managed it eventually but still had to keep his hand on the post at the corner of the bed before he climbed into it. the pain lingered at a steady intensity before shooting up and making draco tear up until it ceased before rising to the surface and then suddenly there was a sharp drop and he was okay again before the cycle repeated. he hated hurting himself. it gave his father reasoning to call him weak for not being able to handle the smallest injury. he shuddered as he thought about how much worse that would be if his father found out that he wasn’t his little girl anymore. he tried not to trust the thoughts but he knew his father and he knew the kind of things he’d say even if he said that he was accepting.

_ you want to be a boy, don’t you? then start acting like one _ .

tears glossed over his eyes and an ache tore through his chest. the words felt too real for him to comprehend but he knew that he had no way of knowing. they couldn’t be real because the only one to know was severus and he trusted him - draco had a habit of trusting people after one kind act but it hadn’t hindered him since he’d noticed it and he wasn’t planning on letting it - after all, severus hadn’t given him any reason not to. he reminded himself that the words weren’t real and they may never be if he couldn’t find the right time to announce all to those at school. if he announced it to his classmates then it would definitely end up travelling to his parents by the time he had to go home again. he sucked in a deep breath and shut his eyes thinking that if he got some rest then he would feel okay again. he needed to feel okay again. at least for a while.

___

the train ride was long but he was comforted by his best friends. blaise, who they invited into their friend group in third year, spoke about his father’s recent passing and how difficult his mother found it financially. draco offered his condolences and asked if they would like his family to lend some money so they could start getting back to normal life as soon as possible but blaise quickly denied saying that they were doing just fine but were having a, as he put it, ‘wobble’. draco didn’t quite understand but he trusted that blaise knew what was best for himself and assured his friend that they would be there for him no matter what he needed during his hardship. they were friends and they knew that of each other but there was so much that they didn’t know about each other (aside from the things that no one knew about them) but they were happy talking about simply present day topics. they liked their friendship just the way it was.

pansy would tell them about the adventures that her father took her on during his trips to paris and the surrounding areas but she would leave out the details for fear of revealing something that was not yet meant to be public - she was fully aware that crabbe and goyle were fast asleep but she refused to risk them accidentally passing on her private information. draco understood and silently asked her to tell him later to which she simply nodded, patting his thigh without taking note of the way he tensed before he realised that it was her. he continued staring out the window, not listening to their simple conversation until pansy shook his shoulder and he blinked away his daydream and turned to his best friend, shrugging at her confused expression before asking her what she wanted.

“oh right. what happened with you over the summer? did your father take you to the world cup again?”

the boy nodded slightly, “potter, granger and the weasels were there too and that diggory boy in sixth year.” he smiled slightly thinking about his rugged looks but shook it from his head quickly. he reminded himself that he was a boy and should not be having those thoughts about another boy. he was simply admiring his looks because others did. that was all.

“sometimes i wonder what is happening in that head of yours,” blaise pointed out, his first few words since he told them of his father’s death. draco looked up after catching the statement to see blaise adjusting the cufflinks on his shirt, his robes laying neatly beside him and his legs crossed. draco cocked his head at him only to see him roll his eyes, “it’s like you think that all you do is going to be judged. as much as i do care about myself more than most, i do notice the way you refuse to talk about certain topics. we ask about your father and you begin talking about other students.”

he was taken aback and his face turned to stone as he pushed himself off of his seat and opened the booth door to walk down the thin corridor, shoving his way past the trolley woman and catching the eye of harry potter before rolling his eyes and continuing down the hall until he reached a seemingly empty booth. he seated himself in the far corner, curling up in his robes with his feet on the seat, with his eyes focused on the trees and bushes that were flying past the window; his imagination ran wild as he watched the scenery, thinking about what it would be like to live out there without a care in the world and no one to hold you away from the things that he would want to do. he so wished he could run off into the woods and find a new family on the other side. he shut his eyes. 

if only.

___

the goblet was spitting smoke and draco couldn’t rip his eyes from it as it spit out the first two champions. the papers almost threatened him with a fear that anyone he knows could be chosen for the tournament - even though he was never friends with the younger of the fifth years nor the sixth years he was still acquainted with many of them and he refused to see any of them even come close to dying in the challenges. draco held his breath as the third one flew from the goblet, dumbledore taking it and shouting out cedric’s name, making draco’s eyes widened as too many pictures flashed through his mind of what could happen in any of the tasks. draco still sighed as he realised that it was no one too close to him or anyone too far that he would be judged for fearing for their life but, as soon as he thought himself good to breathe, another name shot from the goblet, the beauxbatons headmistress slowly bent down to lift it, handing it to dumbledore with wide eyes.

he slowly turned to where the golden trio were huddled together and made his way toward them. from draco’s view he could see them slowly calm their conversation and twist their heads up at him, “harry potter, did you put your name in the goblet of fire?”

draco’s breathing became heavy and he quickly had to leave the room while everyone’s attention was fixated on their exchange and his quick movements took him wherever they wanted but as soon as he opened his eyes once more he was met with the edge of the forbidden forest. he immediately felt a chill spread through his body as the memory of first year came back to him. he pondered whether he should enter anyway - after all, he was much older and would be more careful now - but decided against it as he had promised himself too much. he spun round but pansy was already there, a deeply concerned look across her face that draco immediately started to apologise for. he pulled her back towards the castle and assured her that he just wanted to get away from the commotion.

“you weren’t planning on actually running in, were you?” she asked hesitantly, afraid of what the answer may be if she continued prying into the depths of draco’s mind.

he shook his head, “i don’t think so-” the conversation began mirroring the one he had with snape all those years prior- “but if i did it would be because i trusted that i could be careful.”

pansy pulled him toward her by the sleeve of his robe, making him face her directly as her tearful words cried to him, “please. i care about you. i don’t want to lose you.” he nodded along and was about to say more but she cut him off, not noticing the way he had already opened his mouth to speak, “would you… go to the yule ball with me?”

his eyes widened; he didn’t know if his best friend had gone entirely mad at the idea of going to the ball with someone all had deemed a girl or if she had figured out that he was not a girl and wanted to help him tell everyone else in their school. he rejected the second idea, he hadn’t even told snape his plans let alone written them down or spoken them aloud to even himself. their eyes held each others and she went to lean in but draco lightly pushed her away with one hand, fear skipping over his eyes as he tried to process the situation in front of him. he stepped back and his hands shook in front of him as pain struck across pansy’s face as she felt the rejection burst through her chest.

“we can go to the yule ball as friends but i can’t do-” he made a gesture, turning his hand around in a circle- “this.” he didn’t know what he was saying. he was meant to like her, she was a girl after all, and he should have allowed her to steal a kiss but the thoughts that circled his mind kept telling him that it wasn’t right to cheat her of love. this agreement would do for him until he could make her fall in love with him again but as a boy. that was all, he reasoned with himself. he decided that he couldn’t do it because she didn’t believe he was a boy and that was all.

_ that was all _ .

___

it was the morning of yule’s eve and draco was sat cross legged on his bed, staring at the long silver gown beside the suit that he had asked his godfather to bring to him as well as revealing his plans about the ball. a knock pounded at his door and he sprung from his bed, glancing to the outfit and then shuffling to open the door and stepping outside before shutting it behind him, staring directly at his best friend. her hair framed her face and she pushed a strand out of her eyes to stand with him in an uncomfortable silence, first and second year students buzzing past them without cares for the two that stood beside them - pansy would snarl and shout at them if they ever pushed her into the wall to get past, speaking profanities before an older prefect would roll their eyes at her.

“have you got your dress for the dance?” she pondered quietly. draco hesitated but, like usual, had his train of thought cut off as pansy continued, “i know you said that you want to go as friends but i still think it would be a good idea if we match because i’m wearing a black dress so if you wear maybe white if you can?” the statement came out as much more of a question and draco could only nod as an answer, not allowing himself to speak in case he spilled anything more. he turned from her and shut himself in his room, barely muffling a goodbye as he bolted it shut, slipping back onto his bed and groaning into his pillow to stifle them until he could feel at ease.

he lay in his bed for most of the day - lessons had been cancelled for the years of those attending the yule ball and draco hadn’t reacted kindly to the news - thinking about all that may go wrong if he announced it to everyone. his thoughts manifested themselves as hallucinations, both auditory and visual, that told him that he would never be anything other than the little girl everyone thought he was. tears pooled in his eyes and slipped down his cheeks as he scrunched his face, curling in on himself as they wouldn’t stop burning holes into his body. he hated it. he wanted to feel whole again but he feared that that would never happen - even less so with the large amount of people who would refuse him any amount of support.

another knock pounded at his door and he assumed it was pansy until snape’s voice rang through and passed the word of the dance’s nearing start. draco refused to open the door but still told him that he would be there soon, the weight of the matter finally hitting him as he buttoned up his shirt and pulled the blazer over his shoulders, fiddling with cufflinks as he’d seen blaise do on the train. he rushed to the bathroom to run a hand through his hair and grin as he stared at himself in the mirror, admiring himself as he turned to the side to continue checking the way the suit fit and pulling his blazer up and down - the simple action made him giddy and he ran to his room, placing a chain his mother had gifted him around his neck but quickly having to remove it as he pulled the silver tie around his collar and began to tie it and then finally pulled the chain back around his neck.

the clock on the mantle had passed the time that the ball was meant to have started and draco swiftly shuffled out of his room, making sure to shut the door behind him before running out the common room, not noticing the confused looks he gained from the younger students as this masculine figure ran from the girls’ dormitories. he couldn’t care about them as he panicked over what pansy must believe of him after he rejected her advances and then didn’t appear on time to the ball that all were looking forward to. he could only imagine the thoughts racing through her mind when everyone turned up with their dates and she was left alone.

the doors were still open. 

he wasn’t late. 

he slowly walked into the doorframe and everyone’s heads turned to him as he fiddled with the buttons on his blazer and forced a neutral frown onto his expression - his insides were screaming with a need to tell everyone to turn away from him before he was ready - and he simply turned to his date and strolled toward her, taking a seat beside her on the bench as the champions began dancing with their own partners. draco took notice of how the shock of his appearance made them waver in their movements but they soon got into the swing of the music, all other pairings joining them. draco turned to ask pansy if she wanted to dance but her soft, almost proud, smile told him otherwise. she raked her eyes over his figure and would have asked where he managed to get such a fine suit if it weren’t for the figure that loomed near them. pansy coughed and pointed behind draco to show where blaise was steadily making his way toward them.

draco held his breath and bit his lip when blaise reached them, he felt pansy rise from beside him and reached out to her as she made her way toward a group of girls from all different houses. blaise took his seat directly next to his friend, crossing his legs and throwing a light smirk in draco’s direction, his eyes cool and patching the holes that draco’s own thoughts managed to wear into his heart. they sat without any words and with the world falling away from them for a good while until blaise finally shuffled slightly closer, his hands shaking equally as much as draco’s.

“so what’s with the suit, then?” blaise asked, voice shaking as he spoke.

draco shrugged, “it’s what guys are supposed to wear, right?” he didn’t process what he said until he looked at blaise through his peripheral and saw his mouth agape and his eyes slightly wide. draco smirked and stretched his arms forward until blaise gripped his wrist to force him to face him, confusion sketched across his face.

“you’re a boy?” draco nodded slightly, holding his breath in preparation of what he was going to say next, “and i came over here to ask you if i could have this dance.”

the shorter stood from his spot, brushing down his front and turning round and offering his hand to blaise, “we can still dance but i always lead.”

blaise took his hand and they made their way onto the dancefloor; draco’s hand found a comfortable position on blaise’s waist and their hands fit together perfectly as they began turning around the ballroom, matching the slow pace of all the other couples around them and talking as they did so. they snickered at the minor jokes each other made and contributed their own ideas as they did. draco knew he shouldn’t be enjoying his company as much as he was - he kept reminding himself that this was nothing more than a friendly ordeal and was simply in place because draco was still being viewed as something other than a boy by most of those around him (he wasn’t sure if they thought of him as a girl anymore either. they may have simply thought of him as an other-worldly entity).

“now, sir, what may your name be?” blaise feigned poshness as he asked the question.

“good of you to ask. malfoy.  _ draco _ malfoy.”

blaise hummed to himself and stopped his movements, making draco stumble over his feet and gripping onto blaise’s blazer. he looked up at him with tinted cheeks and his dance partner pulled him back to the side of the room, sitting with him on the bench again as they snicker about their situation. they watched the couples turn with each other on the dance floor, humming in content and laying their heads on each others shoulders as they swayed to the light music. draco was reminded of his own pastime as he watched them all twirl like he had done so many times before. he turned to admire blaise only to find that blaise was already looking directly at him with soft features.

draco stumbled over his words, “i’ve- i’ve never danced with anyone- anyone else before… i’ve only ever danced by myself.” he turned away from his friend, cheeks flushed red as he realised he had been staring and admiring the way blaise looked. he cursed himself but, once again, found himself justifying his feelings by telling himself that all look at blaise and think these thoughts, it was the reason that he was so vain and constantly cared about his appearance.

“i thought you were pretty good. can i tell you a secret?” blaise murmured and draco nodded in response, “i think i like you.”

draco frowned, “but i’m a boy…”

“so? i think i like everyone actually… not just boys but also girls. equally.” 

draco’s eyes widened but he didn’t move away, instead he put a hand on blaise’s chest but he didn’t press down. they shared a moment of eye contact, the music fading from around them as blaise glanced to draco’s lips and then back to his eyes, a message that draco understood immediately without ever having experienced this before. blaise put his hand on draco’s cheek and dragged his thumb over draco’s cheekbone, starting to slowly lean in until he was connected with draco, locking together as they kissed in the faint glow of the lanterns on the wall.

draco didn’t pull away.


End file.
